Hello interweb. It is now 2 am and I can’t sleep because I’m contemplating society. Again. I don’t really understand what I’m about to say, I WARNED YOU OKAY.
Basically, I’ve realized that everyone I should or want to be friends with avoids me, and the people who have wanted to be me friends were not right for me at all. I have no idea why this is, but it freaks me out… Am I not who I think I am? Am I the opposite in practice than who I am in theory? Does anyone even have a clue what the hell I am saying?
I think the situation partially rose out of my shyness in early high school days. In retrospect, I kind of just became friends with whatever stragglers I could find because it was easy and I was pretty sensitive about rejection. The problem with taking whatever I could find, though, is that I had no filtration process. There was no guarantee that these new friends would share any common interests with me, or even understand me at all. Unfortunately, it took pretty long for me to accept that. For the longest time, I would allow my friends to bash me for my love of indie movies and other things they had never heard of. Looking back, that was probably just how they dealt with feeling awkward in the moment, but having a best friend mock you about anything is pretty crushing.
As this was happening, I was trying to branch out. It’s not like I was just letting myself drown. But for some reason (probably the teenage vortex of dead relationships) so many people who I thought were interesting and would be good friends brushed me off. I find artsy people interesting (fucking sue me okay) and I do kind of consider myself to be part of that type of person. But artsy/creative/smart people seem to have an agreement not to let me into their little clubhouse. I bet this is how it went down…
Bjorn: hahaha we’re going to lock saskia out
Willow: lolol let’s all tell her she wouldn’t understand.
Wolfgang: she’s not even a vegan.
Bjorn: lolz let’s go eat some saskia-free kale.
….I’m sorry you had to read that. But that’s basically how it goes. I get the cold shoulder. Recently I had the worst experience of this yet. (and yes, of course it involved a boy. I’m so predictable ugh) Long story short, I met a person who I thought was very interesting and smart and I wanted him in my life, romantically or platonically. We got along pretty well for a while, and then boom. The coldest, frozen-est, frigid shoulder I have ever received. Like, it was Elsa-scale frozen. Which lead to a pretty intense existential crisis. Am I not who I think I am? How can someone I like so much hate me so much? I thought we were pretty similar- who am I then, if I’m not the type of person I thought I was?
I’ve felt pretty pathetic letting a boy have this effect on me. But I’ve realized it’s the meaning of his actions, not the actions themselves, that’s killing me. I’m glad I’ve gotten away from the poisonous friends who called me self centered for asking for help in a time of crisis. I’m glad I have one friend who is the only one who actually cares about this blog (hey). But I have a long way to go before I figure things out. I’m on my way, though. I’m figuring out that relationships are kind of more of a “guess and check” than anything else. There’s really no formula to figuring out who you are and who will accept you for whatever that is.