Fact #13, i need to create things

Hi internet. I haven’t been active on my blog in over a year and that is not good. I’m not even sure what this post is, but I know I need to write it.

Things have been very messy recently. I haven’t been doing too well if you want to know the truth. I’ve been intending to write about it but I get overwhelmed every time I try because I’m worried I won’t get the words right.

I have made a friend (albeit through a slightly messy beginning because you know your girl falls in love with literally everyone) and he has suggested that I create something. I’m not sure what I’m going to do or where I’m going to go with this but I need to put something out there. I need to stop worrying about not being able create the perfect thing and just start creating something.

The conversation that I had with my friend reminded me of a video I had seen a while ago. It’s Ira Glass speaking on the creative process. I’ve just rewatched it. Please watch it for yourself, it is very important.

So I just want to ask you to please stand by me as I will likely make some embarrassing creations but I’ll get there eventually. I’m not going be too afraid to put things out there anymore. I’m going to write and sketch and capture things as they are and hopefully at least one person will want to stay on this journey with me.

 

 

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Fact #12, i am who i am

It’s 2015 and I figure I better accept myself by now. The world still has far to come to be an accepting place for all, but there’s no reason we can’t each be okay with who we are for ourselves.

My self confidence has been on a slow road to recovery since the borderline verbal abuse I received all through high school. One good thing that came out of that experience was that I learned I needed to be aware of my influences. My parents consider themselves to be liberal, but from being around them I know that they do judge quite a lot. Last night we were watching the New Years Rockin Eve on tv and I commented on how strong and healthy Fergie looked. My parents proceeded to pick apart her choices in makeup and wardrobe and appearance in general. And it made me think- I have been oppressed. I really have.

Girls are lead to believe that they should want a strong masculine man. In general, men who are upfront with their emotions or do not have the rugged, tough look are judged. This is very dangerous. It is dangerous to those men, because they are told they shouldn’t be the way they are. It is dangerous to other men because they are told not to express themselves and they fear vulnerability. It is also dangerous to women. It’s confusing to be told you shouldn’t be attracted to who you’re attracted to.

I am attracted to less masculine men. It confused me for the longest time. People in my life would say “he’s probably gay” or “that’s not a real man.” And I didn’t understand. Was I not attracted to men? I wasn’t particularly attracted to women…

But I’m realizing that there’s so much out there. There are straight, less masculine men. And nothing is wrong with them. Just like there is nothing wrong with the women who are attracted to them. Or any human being who is attracted to any other human being anywhere on the gender spectrum.

As I’m writing this, I feel a little guilty because I know I have never had to deal with as much hatred as some people of other orientations have received. It isn’t fair. However, it is my hope that by bringing attention to more variations in people, the world may realize there is more to accept.

Did this post make any sense at all? I have no idea…

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Fact #11, i’m a shopaholic

This is one of saddest things I have ever written. I am addicted to pretty patterns and colors and intricate designs and button down tops and…hold on, I’m getting emotional…But I have to address this because pretty soon I will be moving to Seattle to work in an elementary school for Americorps, living on like 1000 a month (which basically will all go to rent and food). And gurlll, I’m already feeling the shopping withdrawal symptoms.

I have a pillow that has “Gatsby taste on a Carraway budget” printed on it. I don’t think I can describe my dilemma any better than that. I have about 15 things in my Kate Spade online cart that I will not be able to afford for another 10 to 15 years. Will someone explain why I torture myself so?

The other day, I went into Victoria’s Secret during my break from work. (note: Do NOT work in a mall if you are a shopaholic. just don’t do it) I can usually restrain myself from buying the cute lace bras by reminding myself that I already have a killer galaxy print bra at home that I’m in love with. But this time, I found an amazing silky robe. And it was flawless. And I needed it. I asked the sales lady a question about the sizing, and because she was watching me, I had to say “I’ve been shopping too much, so I’ll leave it here and if I keep thinking about it, I’ll come back another time.” I think that conversation was actually what kept my mind on that darling blue robe for the rest of my shift at Teavana. So two hours later, I was waiting for the bus home and couldn’t help gravitating towards Victoria’s Secret. (Telling this story is really making me feel like a serious addict) I picked up the robe quickly, hoping to avoid the judging eyes of the sales lady I talked to earlier, and went over to the fitting room. LOLZ guess who was working there. Chris, the sales lady. She looked at me and said”Oh you’re back….and you picked it up, that didn’t take long at all wow!” and she hooted with laughter and stomped her foot like some amused zebra. (cringe attack) I still got the robe though.

Welp, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. The real issue, though, is really that I don’t want to give up my impulse buys. I love fashion and design, so really everything I buy does make me happy. It’s sad- I thought getting a job would allow me to shop when I wanted, but I have to save most of it to get to Seattle. Screw volunteering, why am I trying to help the world? I want new makeup.

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Fact #10, the people who i want to like want me to go away

Hello interweb. It is now 2 am and I can’t sleep because I’m contemplating society. Again. I don’t really understand what I’m about to say, I WARNED YOU OKAY.

Basically, I’ve realized that everyone I should or want to be friends with avoids me, and the people who have wanted to be me friends were not right for me at all. I have no idea why this is, but it freaks me out… Am I not who I think I am? Am I the opposite in practice than who I am in theory? Does anyone even have a clue what the hell I am saying?

I think the situation partially rose out of my shyness in early high school days. In retrospect, I kind of just became friends with whatever stragglers I could find because it was easy and I was pretty sensitive about rejection. The problem with taking whatever I could find, though, is that I had no filtration process. There was no guarantee that these new friends would share any common interests with me, or even understand me at all. Unfortunately, it took pretty long for me to accept that. For the longest time, I would allow my friends to bash me for my love of indie movies and other things they had never heard of. Looking back, that was probably just how they dealt with feeling awkward in the moment, but having a best friend mock you about anything is pretty crushing.

As this was happening, I was trying to branch out. It’s not like I was just letting myself drown. But for some reason (probably the teenage vortex of dead relationships) so many people who I thought were interesting and would be good friends brushed me off. I find artsy people interesting (fucking sue me okay) and I do kind of consider myself to be part of that type of person. But artsy/creative/smart people seem to have an agreement not to let me into their little clubhouse. I bet this is how it went down…

Bjorn: hahaha we’re going to lock saskia out 

Willow: lolol let’s all tell her she wouldn’t understand.

Wolfgang: she’s not even a vegan.

(collective gasp)

Bjorn: lolz let’s go eat some saskia-free kale. 

….I’m sorry you had to read that. But that’s basically how it goes. I get the cold shoulder. Recently I had the worst experience of this yet. (and yes, of course it involved a boy. I’m so predictable ugh) Long story short, I met a person who I thought was very interesting and smart and I wanted him in my life, romantically or platonically.  We got along pretty well for a while, and then boom. The coldest, frozen-est, frigid shoulder I have ever received. Like, it was Elsa-scale frozen. Which lead to a pretty intense existential crisis. Am I not who I think I am? How can someone I like so much hate me so much? I thought we were pretty similar- who am I then, if I’m not the type of person I thought I was?

I’ve felt pretty pathetic letting a boy have this effect on me. But I’ve realized it’s the meaning of his actions, not the actions themselves, that’s killing me. I’m glad I’ve gotten away from the poisonous friends who called me self centered for asking for help in a time of crisis. I’m glad I have one friend who is the only one who actually cares about this blog (hey). But I have a long way to go before I figure things out. I’m on my way, though. I’m figuring out that relationships are kind of more of a “guess and check” than anything else. There’s really no formula to figuring out who you are and who will accept you for whatever that is.

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Fact #9, i break pretty much all rules of hospitality

So an update: I’ve just returned from a week and a half in Europe (I may start a travel blog soon- I’ll link you to that for more on the actual travel components). Having a friend who currently lives in Switzerland is great because I got to stay at her house and blow all my money on clothing and trains instead of lodging. But I don’t know man, I’m a really bad guest for a list of reasons…

1)I suck at cleaning up after myself- I have a bad habit of leaving glasses and mugs on whatever coffee table/shelf/desk/precarious stack of books is closest to where I was most recently binge watching Bob’s Burgers. To fully explain, you need to know…1)b.I have very messy hands and no matter how hard I try, my glasses always get really cloudy. And it’s gross. And I made my friend’s mother pick them up. I suck.

2)I break the Girl Code with my embarrassing crushes on friends’ brothers- shhh. Please do not tell. My friend and I literally wrote out a list of rules and the Brothers are Off-Limits rule was towards the top. I just have a thing for tall guys with weird senses of humor. I suck.

3)I…clog toilets- This is so embarrassing. I swear it’s a side effect of my medication. I swear. Gah, what the hell are you supposed to do when you can’t flush your host family’s toilet? Was I supposed to ask for a plunger? Gee, be a little more obvious. I couldn’t figure it out. Which lead to the aforementioned brother going to the same bathroom only minutes later, to my supreme dismay. I suck.

I don’t even know. I swear I’m the least mature 30-year-old-minded 18-year-old. Ugh.

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Fact #8, I suck at publicly transporting

I am very sorry for my absence from the blogosphere, but life gets crazy sometimes. Also, I’m pretty sure only one person consistently reads my posts.

Anyway, in my absence I’ve been taking the train to and from NYC a lot because the Met and Grand Central are my happy places. I don’t think I have to tell anyone that has been on the LIRR that some people on the trains do not have any respectfor the commonpublic transportation etiquette.

The other day I was just kind of meandering through the city, and I didn’t realize I was running late for my train back home. So I sprinted to Penn Station and then I actually stopped at Sbarro and got pizza.Wow. Eventually I bolted down the stairs to the train and by then there were almost no seats left, so I had to sit across from this Baby Boomer couple.

You know how there’s always that elderly driver who screws up your drive to school/work because they can’t be bothered to follow road regulations?That’s what this couple was. Blatant disregard of the rules, because they earned the right with age.This couple, man. Pretty much every social/train rule was broken.

1)Extensive PDA including multiple sessions of borderline making out.
2)Grabbing at one another’s legs in a barf-worthy show of affection which in turn led to me not knowing which direction to point my legs in.
3)Playing iPhone videos very loudly
4)Playing videos of their son’s fucking circus show
5)Discussing said videos loud enough that I know this.

I guess I probably shouldn’t be agist, because my demographic of teenage girl is pretty judged too. The thing is though, I’d probably be just as uncomfortable with any other two people committing the aforementioned 5 crimes of etiquette. Regardless, dear reader, please pleaseage better than these two did.

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Fact #7, boys and i dont get along

I am turning 18 in a month and as shocking as it might be, I have never been kissed. I know I shouldn’t be embarrassed about stuff like this, but it’s more that I’m embarrassed about the reasons that no boy has ever rubbed lips with me (did I really just say that?)

My first crush happened when I was around 8 years old. He was one of my brother’s best friends(one of the only benefits of having an older brother- cute friends). I thought he was the funniest person on the face of the earth, and he didn’t try to ditch me like my brother did. A few years later, he made a move. (Not really but leave me alone, I was like 10.) He invited me to his pool. I couldn’t go. The end.

(middle school crushes don’t count because you don’t tell anyone about them and you die if they find out.)

I don’t know. A couple of boys did show signs of interest in me, but I mean who am I to interpret signs of interest? Anyway, I have learned a little bit since I was 14. For example, guys don’t like to see the scar on your had from when you had a wart. Also, it’s not considered cute to be constantly trying to get their attention.

So it’s not like I’m attacking guys like they’re Harry Styles or something. I just have really really suckish timing and location. I’m always either a billion miles away or just like a pain in the ass. I know boys are stereotypically bad texters, but just a few weeks ago a boy literally told me that he sees my messages and then gets distracted on the way to his phone. How even? Is your phone like in the refrigerator or something?

I’m usually okay with being really inexperienced in romance. But dude, I watched Clueless the other day and Tai’s line “You’re a virgin that can’t drive!” really hit home. It’s so applicable to my life that it hurts. Anyway, the moral of the story is: don’t make fun of inexperienced girls. It’s not our fault that boys seem so into us one day and then never talk to us again.

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