Fact #11, i’m a shopaholic

This is one of saddest things I have ever written. I am addicted to pretty patterns and colors and intricate designs and button down tops and…hold on, I’m getting emotional…But I have to address this because pretty soon I will be moving to Seattle to work in an elementary school for Americorps, living on like 1000 a month (which basically will all go to rent and food). And gurlll, I’m already feeling the shopping withdrawal symptoms.

I have a pillow that has “Gatsby taste on a Carraway budget” printed on it. I don’t think I can describe my dilemma any better than that. I have about 15 things in my Kate Spade online cart that I will not be able to afford for another 10 to 15 years. Will someone explain why I torture myself so?

The other day, I went into Victoria’s Secret during my break from work. (note: Do NOT work in a mall if you are a shopaholic. just don’t do it) I can usually restrain myself from buying the cute lace bras by reminding myself that I already have a killer galaxy print bra at home that I’m in love with. But this time, I found an amazing silky robe. And it was flawless. And I needed it. I asked the sales lady a question about the sizing, and because she was watching me, I had to say “I’ve been shopping too much, so I’ll leave it here and if I keep thinking about it, I’ll come back another time.” I think that conversation was actually what kept my mind on that darling blue robe for the rest of my shift at Teavana. So two hours later, I was waiting for the bus home and couldn’t help gravitating towards Victoria’s Secret. (Telling this story is really making me feel like a serious addict) I picked up the robe quickly, hoping to avoid the judging eyes of the sales lady I talked to earlier, and went over to the fitting room. LOLZ guess who was working there. Chris, the sales lady. She looked at me and said”Oh you’re back….and you picked it up, that didn’t take long at all wow!” and she hooted with laughter and stomped her foot like some amused zebra. (cringe attack) I still got the robe though.

Welp, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem. The real issue, though, is really that I don’t want to give up my impulse buys. I love fashion and design, so really everything I buy does make me happy. It’s sad- I thought getting a job would allow me to shop when I wanted, but I have to save most of it to get to Seattle. Screw volunteering, why am I trying to help the world? I want new makeup.

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Fact #7, boys and i dont get along

I am turning 18 in a month and as shocking as it might be, I have never been kissed. I know I shouldn’t be embarrassed about stuff like this, but it’s more that I’m embarrassed about the reasons that no boy has ever rubbed lips with me (did I really just say that?)

My first crush happened when I was around 8 years old. He was one of my brother’s best friends(one of the only benefits of having an older brother- cute friends). I thought he was the funniest person on the face of the earth, and he didn’t try to ditch me like my brother did. A few years later, he made a move. (Not really but leave me alone, I was like 10.) He invited me to his pool. I couldn’t go. The end.

(middle school crushes don’t count because you don’t tell anyone about them and you die if they find out.)

I don’t know. A couple of boys did show signs of interest in me, but I mean who am I to interpret signs of interest? Anyway, I have learned a little bit since I was 14. For example, guys don’t like to see the scar on your had from when you had a wart. Also, it’s not considered cute to be constantly trying to get their attention.

So it’s not like I’m attacking guys like they’re Harry Styles or something. I just have really really suckish timing and location. I’m always either a billion miles away or just like a pain in the ass. I know boys are stereotypically bad texters, but just a few weeks ago a boy literally told me that he sees my messages and then gets distracted on the way to his phone. How even? Is your phone like in the refrigerator or something?

I’m usually okay with being really inexperienced in romance. But dude, I watched Clueless the other day and Tai’s line “You’re a virgin that can’t drive!” really hit home. It’s so applicable to my life that it hurts. Anyway, the moral of the story is: don’t make fun of inexperienced girls. It’s not our fault that boys seem so into us one day and then never talk to us again.

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Fact #3, i have a spasm in the buttocks

Yesterday I went to an event at the YMCA, and in spite of my mentality of “do not touch me unless you are Evan Peters,” I decided to get a massage.

Now I’ve never had a real massage before but I don’t think that the masseuse is supposed to complain about how tense your back is every 30 seconds. Lady, you only have to deal with my offensive back for 10 minutes, I have to deal with it all day every day. Eventually…

masseuse: Do you see a chiropractor?

me: No…I…

masseuse: Go to that guy right away.

The chiropractor was a chubby 60 ish man in a creepy suit. You just imagine lying on a cot, staring up at old man nostrils. So yeah, I was on edge when he told me to lie on my stomach and started pressing random spots on my back. I just assumed he wouldn’t get too low down and Oh Hey! Someone is touching my butt and there is nothing Evan Peters-like about it! And I sort of kicked my leg a little bit as a reflex. A completely valid response if you want to know my opinion.

As you might expect, this guy was hungry for patients and told me I had a billion problems, including “a spasm in the buttocks.”

Then a bunch of snarky thoughts ran through my head, including “Do not touch me again or I will kick you in the buttocks to see if you have a spasm”

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Fact #1: I look like a 12 year old, act like a 30 year old, but I am actually neither

This isn’t something that occurred today, it’s more of an ongoing struggle. I will be graduating high school this June and I still surprise people when I mention that I’m even in high school yet. I have an extremely difficult time convincing people that yes, I am in fact 17 and not 14 or 15. But at this point I have learned to accept my unwanted faux-youth. I am not taken off guard by these comments…

Most often. A few weeks ago I discovered that there are exceptions. I went to the movie theater with my mother to see American Hustle (loved it, btw. Don’t put metal in the science oven) and I was worried because I had forgotten to bring ID (I forgot that I could get in without ID because I was with a parent). So when the ticket girl asked how old I was, I was scared I wouldn’t be allowed in. I told her, hoping she would believe me, and…

TICKET GIRL: seventeen?

ME: yeah, do you need ID?

TICKET GIRL: oh no…I just thought you were a lot younger, I was gonna give you a children’s ticket.

Are you kidding me. You have to be 12 to get the children’s ticket.

Adding to my agelessness, I hardly ever seem normal to people in my school because I act way older than I am. I got over “That’s What She Said” jokes after the second one I heard. Apparently that is not the general norm. I watch movies that no one has ever heard of, and then get made fun of when I bring any of them up (“What are you talking about, you make no sense, nobody is listening/caring/interested in that shit”).

My 14 year old sister is pretty much the epitome of High School (though she would deny it if she read this). Shops at Abercrombie and Hollister, Straightens hair every day, thinks Sephora mascara is the shit when she could get better mascara at a quarter of the price somewhere else. I’m not going to get all hipster and be like “yeah i shop at thrift stores in Brooklyn” (mainly because thrift stores stress me out- I have never ever found anything that fits) but I really just don’t feel the need to follow trends and do what everyone else is doing. I like to shop at Anthropologie. If you do too, great. If you don’t, cool. Granted, I don’t always have the money, but I like the way I look and feel in my clothes. My sister, on the other hand, tells me I dress like a 30 year old. Which she meant as an indirect insult, but it was maybe the best compliment I have received about my fashion sense. I pick out my styles because I like the design or the color or the texture. But if I can express my (internal only, okay okay) maturity, so much the better.

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