Fact #12, i am who i am

It’s 2015 and I figure I better accept myself by now. The world still has far to come to be an accepting place for all, but there’s no reason we can’t each be okay with who we are for ourselves.

My self confidence has been on a slow road to recovery since the borderline verbal abuse I received all through high school. One good thing that came out of that experience was that I learned I needed to be aware of my influences. My parents consider themselves to be liberal, but from being around them I know that they do judge quite a lot. Last night we were watching the New Years Rockin Eve on tv and I commented on how strong and healthy Fergie looked. My parents proceeded to pick apart her choices in makeup and wardrobe and appearance in general. And it made me think- I have been oppressed. I really have.

Girls are lead to believe that they should want a strong masculine man. In general, men who are upfront with their emotions or do not have the rugged, tough look are judged. This is very dangerous. It is dangerous to those men, because they are told they shouldn’t be the way they are. It is dangerous to other men because they are told not to express themselves and they fear vulnerability. It is also dangerous to women. It’s confusing to be told you shouldn’t be attracted to who you’re attracted to.

I am attracted to less masculine men. It confused me for the longest time. People in my life would say “he’s probably gay” or “that’s not a real man.” And I didn’t understand. Was I not attracted to men? I wasn’t particularly attracted to women…

But I’m realizing that there’s so much out there. There are straight, less masculine men. And nothing is wrong with them. Just like there is nothing wrong with the women who are attracted to them. Or any human being who is attracted to any other human being anywhere on the gender spectrum.

As I’m writing this, I feel a little guilty because I know I have never had to deal with as much hatred as some people of other orientations have received. It isn’t fair. However, it is my hope that by bringing attention to more variations in people, the world may realize there is more to accept.

Did this post make any sense at all? I have no idea…


Fact #1: I look like a 12 year old, act like a 30 year old, but I am actually neither

This isn’t something that occurred today, it’s more of an ongoing struggle. I will be graduating high school this June and I still surprise people when I mention that I’m even in high school yet. I have an extremely difficult time convincing people that yes, I am in fact 17 and not 14 or 15. But at this point I have learned to accept my unwanted faux-youth. I am not taken off guard by these comments…

Most often. A few weeks ago I discovered that there are exceptions. I went to the movie theater with my mother to see American Hustle (loved it, btw. Don’t put metal in the science oven) and I was worried because I had forgotten to bring ID (I forgot that I could get in without ID because I was with a parent). So when the ticket girl asked how old I was, I was scared I wouldn’t be allowed in. I told her, hoping she would believe me, and…

TICKET GIRL: seventeen?

ME: yeah, do you need ID?

TICKET GIRL: oh no…I just thought you were a lot younger, I was gonna give you a children’s ticket.

Are you kidding me. You have to be 12 to get the children’s ticket.

Adding to my agelessness, I hardly ever seem normal to people in my school because I act way older than I am. I got over “That’s What She Said” jokes after the second one I heard. Apparently that is not the general norm. I watch movies that no one has ever heard of, and then get made fun of when I bring any of them up (“What are you talking about, you make no sense, nobody is listening/caring/interested in that shit”).

My 14 year old sister is pretty much the epitome of High School (though she would deny it if she read this). Shops at Abercrombie and Hollister, Straightens hair every day, thinks Sephora mascara is the shit when she could get better mascara at a quarter of the price somewhere else. I’m not going to get all hipster and be like “yeah i shop at thrift stores in Brooklyn” (mainly because thrift stores stress me out- I have never ever found anything that fits) but I really just don’t feel the need to follow trends and do what everyone else is doing. I like to shop at Anthropologie. If you do too, great. If you don’t, cool. Granted, I don’t always have the money, but I like the way I look and feel in my clothes. My sister, on the other hand, tells me I dress like a 30 year old. Which she meant as an indirect insult, but it was maybe the best compliment I have received about my fashion sense. I pick out my styles because I like the design or the color or the texture. But if I can express my (internal only, okay okay) maturity, so much the better.